Actions Not Reactions, At least I can sleep.

2 years ago

At least I can sleep.

It’s quite the beautiful day, a tad bit of ice scattered across the roads, but never the less, it’s one of those feel good days.

I’ve been meaning to revisit a past blog post, but more so than the blog post, a large portion of my life that I felt was unanswered. If you haven’t read these two blogs, you might want to first to get some insight so that this makes sense.

http://actionsnotreactions.tumblr.com/post/165343394/dive-into-the-waters-of-life

http://actionsnotreactions.tumblr.com/post/167051721/what-goes-around-comes-around-in-the-end

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When I left Sam, I left her. I simply walked away and didn’t plan on turning back. Mostly because I was so devastated from the situation and I was forced to pull myself together for this new chapter in my life(which was Show Me the Skyline). Months of questions spun through my mind, considering I never knew what the actual truth was. I didn’t know whether she lied to me or not and whether or not my actions were at least somewhat justified.

I’ve tried getting in touch with her, but a few months ago I received a facebook message basically telling me to move on with my life, it was rather harsh, and most certainly not from Sam, but regardless, the message was right, I needed to just get on with it. You probably have experienced this situation in some form before, where you simply can’t forget about something when you still have questions.

Despite what anyone thinks, Sam and I don’t talk. I don’t have secret phone conversations with her, I havent seen her (outside of accidental happenstance) since we pretty much broke up, and I don’t really know anything that goes on in her life. We’ve gone down completely separate paths. That’s just to clarify for those who think anything otherwise.

Anyway, I felt like I needed to clear up some things before I can truly move forward, so I did actually get in contact with her which led me to having coffee with her this morning. I don’t actually drink coffee, and i don’t think she does either. Regardless, it was at a coffee shop. I was rather anxious, simply because I didn’t know what to expect, but that anxiety settled rather quickly. I was about one minute late, which is pretty much on time, and she was sitting in a booth drinking some sort of caramelized drink which looked good but, I don’t like caramel. We got to talking and, yea, there were a few moments of silence where we both wondered why we were there and what should we say.

She’s due to have a baby sometime around March or April I guess, a beautiful girl, and i guarantee you she’ll be beautiful if she looks anything like her mother. Alongside that, she’s engaged to a guy whom I know really nothing about and his existence holds none of my business.

Bringing up the past is always a touchy thing because theres nothing that can really be done and talking about it, in most respects, is rather pointless, but in this situation it proved (for me at least) to be important. The truth, something every individual strives for, finally came out. I had wondered for almost a year now what happened with Sam and the SMTS situation, whether someone played her, or whether she created this huge story for one reason or another.

One thing that was made clear to Sam was, my music career(which wasn’t even really started) was my first priority. A bit selfish, yea, but I really thought I could make it in the music industry with a little bit of luck. I love playing Bass and I loved playing in the bands I was previously in. The idea that I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my career scared her. Something I didn’t know or realize until today. Thus, when the idea of joining Show Me the Skyline, an uprising band in the area, came about, the ideas of me leaving and going for my music also revolved in her mind. Sam said it was out of selfishness that she made up the story involving Larzz, to keep me from having the opportunity of joining SMTS, but I don’t think it was selfish. I know Sam loved me, regardless of where we are now, she did, and it’s one of the few things I know in my life to be 100% true. The irony of course, is that in making up this elaborate story to keep me from potentially leaving her for the band, I did just that, leave her and join the band. It’s quite funny how life ends up turning out sometimes, and when I say funny I don’t mean it in the light hearted sense, in this situation it’s quite sad.

So now I know the truth, which, I guess after thinking about it isn’t really that big of a deal. I do however wish that she would have told me the truth the first time I asked, but perhaps that wasn’t the path her and I were meant to take in our respective lives.

I didn’t say it in the first two posts, but I loved her and it’s a bit hard for me to say, but I still do. I definitely almost teared up a bit this morning, and I’m sort of doing so now. I guess a year later I still can’t get over some of the things we shared, because they truly made me a completely different person than I was. I know that this is all part of the cycle of growing up, and I am very much so appreciative of the time I was able to spend with her. I just hope that the gentleman she is with now respects her and treats her like an angel; she deserves no less.

People always ask others to never forget them,

I won’t ever forget Sam

and I’ll never forget how to spell

Definitely Beautiful.

Be stoked on life

I am

<3Dan
Notes

At least I can sleep.

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